I Just Want to Write

I’m staring at a wall of lockers but all that I really want to do is write.  You may not really believe it but this is a realization for me.

Not the locker staring; that’s just the reality of writing while on my break at work.  But that I really just want to write.

I started this blog just over a year ago and you may or may not remember why:

I start this blog for many reasons, but most important of them all, is the release that putting words to a page can have on a person.  I often choose to release myself through music and exercise, but words are powerful - they make you laugh, they make you cry, they make you speechless, uncomfortable, happy, excited.  I could go on but I won’t.

Now here I am one year later, still growing, developing and pushing forward through those harder days but with an escape ready and waiting for me when I get home: a place for me to put my words.

Despite the fact that I don’t divulge each and every intricate detail of my life (and let me just tell you, you really don’t want to know all that information!), sometimes the best release is just sitting down and sharing a new recipe or my current favorite song or band of the week.  It’s those little things.

So why does this matter right now?  Why do I bring it up?

Because just under a year ago, I lost the band I put my whole self into and it completely broke my heart.  This has lead to a year of soul searching, healing and acceptance.  That last one is key.  But either way, when I stop and think about what I enjoy doing and would like to do more of (that doesn’t require me going back to school and thus becoming even more broke), it’s writing.  

Now before anyone goes off on me, this isn’t me settling.  This is me saying that I thoroughly love writing.  There’s something freeing about putting words to a page.  

I want to figure out how to do more of it.  No really, I want to write.

I’ll take any suggestions any of you have on how I can do more of it.  And maybe where I can make a career out of it.  Because that would be fun and it would make me happy.  Taking ideas...and...GO!

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Year End Wrap Up

My goal for 2011 was to focus on myself and find a new level of happiness that I felt was missing in 2010.

I rang in the new year by not doing anything except resting and sleeping.  I didn’t stay up until midnight; I didn’t go out; and I didn’t spend it with anyone.  To some people this may be seen as sad or weird, and while it’s not the way I would choose to ring in each new year, it was just what I needed.  It allowed me to put a close on 2010 and start 2011 the way that I wanted to: refreshed. 

And that was just what I did.  While everyone else was coming in late or hung-over to work that day, I was refreshed, excited and energetic.  I was ready to go and take on whatever may present itself to me that day.  It was perfect.

When I was presented with the opportunity to purchase an unlimited month of yoga at The Yoga Co in Santa Monica, I knew it was something I wanted and should do.  I sat on the deal for a month or so and then was inspired to take it and turn it into one month straight of yoga (My 30 Day Yoga Challenge).  I knew that was going to be a major undertaking but with the support I was receiving from my friends, family and coworkers, I knew it was something I could do.  And I did.

A month of yoga brought upon many challenges and breakthroughs; it brought on a physical and mental struggle; and it brought a community I didn’t know could exist; and it began to show me this new level of happiness.  So when that month was over, I didn’t stop.  I didn’t go everyday but I tried to get there at least 3 days a week.  (And up until the later part of the year, it worked).

This year I learned to let go of some things that had been bothering me and open up my mind and heart to what else is out there.  

And I stepped outside my comfort zone doing something that I’m still surprised I did: I went to the Healthy Living Summit in Philadelphia, PA knowing no one.  This was a big deal for me and very challenging on many levels.  I did what I could to push myself outside my normal comfort zone and met several amazing bloggers and people.  I discovered just how much of a healthy living community there is out there and was inspired and comforted to keep pushing forward in those attempts.

Unfortunately, this was also the weekend that my health took a turn for the worse.  My last night in Philly was the first time I experienced the severe pain on my left side that led to months of unknown, tests, and additional severe pain.  Unfortunately, September through December are a blur of doctor visits, hospital stays, and “resting” on my couch.  I wish I could have a better memory for the end of the year, but it is clear that was what took most of my energy.

That’s not to say no good came of it, because it did.  Through all of that, I was able to find one of the greatest friends I could have and with her support was able to make it through my Thanksgiving in the hospital and two attempts at surgery + recovery.  That I could (and would) not change for anything.

But the year is coming to a close and I’m ready to start 2012 fresh.  I’m hoping my health returns to it’s fullest extent and I continue to work on finding even greater happiness in my life.

Top 3 Most Read Posts:
-30 Day Yoga Challenge - There’s No Better Time Than Now

-Post Challenge Breakthrough #1: Time Spent Alone

-My Announcement

Top 3 Favorite Posts to Write:

-Talk Less, Say More

-The Long Awaited Video

-30 Day Yoga Challenge - There’s No Better Time Than Now

Caught in the act

Someone fell on their run this morning.

That someone was me.

Thankfully nothing was hurt except for my ego (and a few scrapes).

Then my annoyance surged when I opened my mail to see a notice of delinquent renewal from the state of California.  Apparently, even when they don’t send you the first notice letting you know, it’s still delinquent.  Even when they don’t update your address after you had done it in the system, it’s still your fault.  And what you get in return is another $88 tacked on and an hour long hold if you want to complain.

Starting to think it’s not worth it.  But my bank account thinks differently.

But I know what I need to do is just breathe, because it’s not worth it.  I have better things to focus my energy towards.

Change your thoughts; change your life.

Thankfully as I was working myself into such a rage of anger, I was able to recognize it wasn’t healthy, it wasn’t the way I wanted my day to go or the feeling I wanted to carry with me.  Instead, I’m going to figure out how to move forward.  Yes this is going to set me back (another) good chunk of money but I’ll deal as I always do.

Sometimes we need to stop ourselves mid-reaction and realize if it’s healthy or worth the energy.  I have so many things I want to do with my life that worrying, frustration and anger, aren't worth more than a few moments.  There’s only room for positivity, love and happiness.

I’m always grateful when I’m able to realize and stop this kind of reaction before I let it completely take me over.  And right now, I have a peanut butter sandwich, hot cup of coffee and Harry Potter 5 waiting for me downstairs to enjoy before work.

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**After reading my good friend’s blog the other week, she decided that for the month of November, she’s posting something she’s grateful for; something as simple as a picture or quote or possibly something lengthy.  In the month that we come together and share what we’re grateful and thankful for, there seems to be no better way.  And it’s with that that I have decided to join her.  Will you join us? #gratefulseason

You Are Beautiful

Beauty: a combination of qualities, such as shape, color, or form that please the aesthetic sense, especially the sight; a combination of qualities that please the intellect or moral sense.

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Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

And at the end of the day, we all just want to feel beautiful - on the inside and out.

As I was at the gym the other day, I went to put my purse in a locker and this sticker inside the locker caught my eye.  While I know this sticker is old, I love the whole idea of Dove’s Campaign for Real Beauty and their consistent work to improve self esteem in young girls.  But even as we get older we need just as much of a reminder that we are beautiful as we are, as we needed when we were younger.  Sometimes, I feel like I need that reminder more now.

When I’m good about what I eat, getting adequate sleep and exercise, and don’t completely overwork myself, those tend to be the weeks when I feel the most beautiful.  In fact earlier this week I even tweeted how I felt pretty.  And quite honestly, I had a few days this week where I could have repeated that tweet.  Do you know how good that feels?

I know I won’t feel this way every day of every week, but I’m going to hold onto this feeling for as long as I can and I hope you do the same.  Go to bed a bit earlier tonight. Wash the makeup off your face.  Buy a new shirt or pair of shoes.  Whatever will make you feel beautiful in your already beautiful skin.  Because y’know what?  

You are beautiful.

What makes you feel beautiful?

time to work on my game plan

We’ve always seen Steve Jobs as a visionary and a man who made a strong, powerful and positive impact on the world.  And you don’t have to be a Steve Jobs or Apple “fan” to see that.  

My whole life, I’ve thought about how I wanted to make an impact but it’s always about finding the way that works for you, that allows you to follow your passion.  It allows the work you do on a daily basis, to not feel like work. 

Since Steve’s passing, I’ve been reminded even more of my desire to leave behind a strong footprint.  It doesn’t have to be on such a global level as Steve, but I do want to leave behind a positive impact.

After a really amazing and inspiring day yesterday and time with friends to refuel, I went to sleep with this thought: 

i have a strong desire to make a positive imprint on the world. time to work on my game plan.

I posted it on Facebook and Twitter and I’ve been getting an amazing response.  Quite honestly, I think it’s something most people want out of their lives.  We want to be remembered for the good and amazing things we’ve done in our lifetimes, however long or short.

As I was finishing my breakfast and coffee this morning, I pulled up my horoscope on Yahoo Shine and while fitting, this one really seemed perfect:

I don’t care whether you believe strongly in Astrology, follow it for fun or think it’s just a load of crazy talk, but I personally love to see the way these sorts of things align with what’s going on in my life.  And this morning, this was screaming at me that this is my go time.  It’s time to take the lead and put my plans to paper and figure out just what I want to happen and the best path to get there.

I have the drive, determination and perseverance to make whatever I want happen!

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I have the knowledge and resources to overcome obstacles as they present themselves.

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I have supporting friends and family (and readers) to see me through the inevitable rough days.

I have the passion, inspiration and strength to put myself out there and come out on top, no matter what anyone else says.

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Remember, I am strong!

The Boiling Pot

I don’t enjoy confrontation.  I mean who actually does?  But it’s one of those things that I find myself reminded how much I don’t enjoy it.  

Like when I let my roommate’s boyfriend walk out of my apartment with my jar of sunflower seed butter as I sit on the couch telling myself I’m imagining it and that it must have fallen out of the trash (even though it looked just like the jar I opened in the fridge the day prior).  Or when I can’t find the words to tell a guy he’s coming across as only interested in one thing and that won’t fly with me.  So instead I give the benefit of the doubt, meanwhile brewing like a little tea pot ready to boil over at any moment.

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Does this have to do with my dislike for confrontation?  Or does this go back to the fact that I’m rather reserved and quiet?  Or maybe it’s just a combination of the two?  Let’s be honest, it’s probably a mix.

And what is this thing where people seem to think I don’t smile?  Or at least seem to think I don’t smile in pictures?  I mean, I know I don’t smile in pictures that often - I like to make silly faces or try to take artsy pictures but seriously?!  Several people made note about how I was smiling in a picture I posted on Instagram this morning about how long my hair was.  Does this actually seem out of the ordinary?

All I notice is that my hair is SUPER long and that I clearly need more coffee for my sleepy eyes.

There’s a lot of thoughts going on in my head and this is just the beginning.

How do you deal with confrontation?  

Sometimes you need a reminder...

It’s been one of those weeks where all the little things are getting to me, no matter how hard I try to push past them.  While it has been a harder and more stressful week at work and there are a few health related things also playing into it, I should still be able to breathe through it all.  And for some reason I haven’t been able to.

But today seems to be a day of realizations:

I woke up this morning realizing a pattern in my life with the so-called “nice” guys.  They aren’t really nice; they are just too chicken to look you in the eyes and tell you the truth.

I also realized I like to run.  And I don’t just mean physically run but more I like to run away from my problems or stress.  It’s a way that I’ve learned to deal with things.  There are many reasons why I made my move to LA, but as part of my morning realization, I also found myself admitting I ran away to LA.

This evening I realized I’m not taking care of myself.  I’m allowing my lazy exhaustion to get the best of me and therefore not eat the way I prefer, making my body feel heavier and my wallet feel lighter. (Making your lunches really is cheaper and healthier, even when choosing the healthy food options when eating out).  I’m not making sure I’m getting my adrenaline flowing at my usual amount with the right weight-lifting, cardio, and yoga balance.  I’m not giving myself enough time to just sit down, breathe and relax.  And I’m not spending enough time surrounded by my friends.

This needs to change.  It’s a crazy few weeks at work and life in general but I need to make time for myself and my needs before I drive myself into the ground and go crazy.

So what does this mean?  Why am I choosing to share all of this?

Because sometimes we need a reminder to PUT YOURSELF FIRST!

And how did I start doing that today?  Well, I found out it was International Chocolate Day and I made sure I ate a few pieces of dark chocolate.  I deserved it and I needed to celebrate. 

And now, I’m off to finish laundry and hit the hay nice and early. 

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"Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life"

To my surprise, I’ve been enjoying the new addition of Twitter into my life.  I’ve realized it’s not the “I just ate dinner,” “I need to pee,” “I’m typing as I type this” kind of thing that I thought it was before joining.  There is actually a point to it.  There is an ability to spread a word, a point.  There is an ability to almost network and share common interests.  I’ve been having fun!

I bring this up because one of the “people” I started to follow is called “Greatest Quotes” and throughout the day they post many amazing, inspiring, beautiful quotes (maybe even some funny ones too).  But one that came up this morning was a quote by Ernest Holmes “Change your thinking, change your life.”  I re-tweeted it.  I wanted to make sure that any one who didn’t see it, got a chance to see (or at least all 14 of my followers).  But it’s so true.

If I look back to 2010, it was a bumpy ride for me.  As with life, I had some great days and I had some awful days, but it felt like the awful days were occurring more often than I wanted them to.  And when they came around they were worse than I had known them to be.  Or the ability to bounce back from them was harder, so they’d last longer than a day.  I knew if I wanted to change things around, I would have to make a conscious effort to actually do so.  I slowly but surely tried and some days I failed.  As I believe I’ve mentioned here before, I decided to start 2011 on a fresh note.  I decided to stay in; I decided to spend it alone; I decided to go to bed around 10pm; I decided I wasn’t going to care what anyone said about the way I chose to spend my evening.  And that’s what I did.  I woke up the next morning bright and early so I could get to work and open and unlike everyone else, I was awake; I was happy; I didn’t stink of last night’s drinks sweating out my pores; I wasn’t tired and dragging; I felt amazing!  And at that point, I was given the reassurance that 2011 would be different and while it would take a lot of work for me, choosing to take steps to reduce the toxicity in my life and make a conscious effort to change my thinking, could really work.  I knew it wouldn’t be easy and I knew I’d have some awful days and I’d have some amazing days, but I also knew I needed to stick with it if I was going to see the change I wanted in my life.

You have all stuck with me and witnessed this journey, or at least everything I’ve chosen to publish, so you all know it hasn’t been easy.  But through all of this I have gained wisdom and peace and happiness.  I bring this up because a co-worker of mine is going through some hard times and I’m witnessing the impact it is having on him.  So when he posted his frustration this morning on Facebook about 5 minutes after I saw this Ernest Holmes quote, I really realized just how much this statement is true and that I needed to tell him that.  So I did.  My response was simply “change your thinking, change your life.”  I look forward to witnessing his journey. :)