Sunday, May 29, 2011

Post Challenge Breakthrough #1: Time Spent Alone

I spend a lot of time alone.  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy my time to myself.  I’m very much an independent person and crave time away from people, to sit in the comfort of my own home in my pajamas and be left alone.  But at the same time, sometimes it gets to be too much time alone, too much time to think, or more like over-think.  Sometimes I think the amount of time I spend alone, is the reason I struggle with some of the things I struggle with.  Sometimes I think it may be the reason I struggle to maintain friendships with people.  I have some amazing friends, they’re just really spread out (as in all over the country).  It makes it great when we finally get to reunite because I know it’s going to be a blast but it makes living in one place difficult.

I’m a generally quiet person.  If you know me well, if you take the time to get to know me, you’ll learn it can be hard to shut me up at times.  And while I’ve spent my life working to come out of my shell, I’ve also dealt with a lot of heartache and I’ve realized how it’s made me more of a quiet person again, more likely to over-think my every move and word.  Those kinds of behaviors make it hard to show people who I am.  They make it hard for me to really open up to people.  They make it hard for me to say “Hi, my name is Katie. It’s nice to meet you” and take any steps to further a conversation.  I’m not exactly sure when this happened but it’s been one of those things that I’ve thought a lot about but have always been afraid to share.
I’m an emotional person.  I cry and I cry easily.  I cry when I’m hurt, happy, frustrated, excited, whatever.  It’s very easy to bring tears to my eyes.  It’s difficult to admit because I know so many people see tears as a sign of weakness but for me, it’s a sign of my passion.  A passion for everything I do and a passion for every person in my life that I allow close enough to see the real me and who choose to stay a part of my life and allow me to see the real them.
Why am I sharing this?  This isn’t meant to be a sad post, though it may seem this way at first glance.  I’ve spent the last 30 days taking 90 minutes to focus on me and my breath.  In learning these habits, I’ve been able to get a clearer view on myself and my life and what I need and would like to be happier and live a more fulfilling life.  And one of those things is to work on my friendships.  I want to repair frayed relationships; I want to tighten strong friendships; and most importantly, I want to build new friendships.

I see other’s friendships and can’t help but feel a tingle of jealousy.  I have some amazing friends, please don’t get me wrong.  And to my friends out there reading this, please don’t be offended by our friendships and take this the wrong way.  But as I said, I spend a lot of time alone and I want to change that.  I want to feel more open and willing to spend time with other people.  I want to build strong friendships (and strengthen existing ones) to create a support group in LA, as I hope this will be one thing to help me feel happier and more at home out here.  
And believe it or not, I kind of want a roommate.  Living alone has so many upsides, but it also has it’s downsides.  I can’t tell you how easy it is to come home after a long day, put on my yoga pants and crash on my couch and not move for the remainder of the evening until I eventually fall asleep on the couch, only to wake up a few hours later and move to my bed.  This is a daily occurrence in my apartment.  But it’s also one that has made me spend even more time alone because it makes me too lazy to go out and meet people.  And all that time alone can bring about some major loneliness.  But my history with roommates (aside from the ever amazing roomie Justine!), has me hesitant to live with people but I think it’s time to reconsider.  I think it’s time to open myself up to the potential struggle of living with others and embrace the challenge and money saving opportunities.  You never know until you try.  And as long as I have my own bathroom, I’m open.


No comments:

Post a Comment