A Longing to Go Somewhere

I have this pretty strong need for a trip, to get away for awhile, to go somewhere.  I don’t even need to go somewhere crazy or super far.  I know my sister would love for me to visit her in Africa, which would be fun but my bank account is not feeling up for any trips for me especially one that far away.  And quite honestly, I can’t stop thinking about Boston.  Ever since I got so sentimental and nostalgic the other week, I can’t stop thinking about how much I want to get back to Boston.  I even found myself looking for jobs in Boston.  

CHILL OUT EVERYONE!  I’m not going anywhere!  And I’m not moving!  (And if I do, it would be to another apartment in LA that I could hopefully afford.)

Ever since I lost The Lumineers, I’ve just felt lost.  And it’s been a very difficult thing for me to talk about because I worry people will read too much into how I’m feeling.  While I’ve mentioned to many people how my intuition felt it coming weeks before it actually happened, it still caught me off guard.  Think of it like a break-up.  You’re with someone for years and things are going great but something just feels “off” then BOOM, they end it.  You’re left standing there wondering what happened but also knowing you kind of saw it coming.  It doesn’t make it any easier when it happens because it’s not what you want.

There was this path that I was building in front of me, things were going along smoothly and construction was going fast.  And now there’s something blocking the path and I need to figure out how to get over the hurdle or find a new direction around it.  That’s what I’m trying to figure out now.  Do I want to go over or around?  And how am I going to do this?  What are the steps that I need to take?  What do I want to do?  In the short term, in the long term?  Where do I want to be?  

Weather in LA is nice.  Some of the people that I’ve met here are nice.  But there’s also something missing for me here and I can’t figure out what it is.  The fact that I lost the band because other companies wanted them, proves that I know what I’m doing and I’m good at it.  It means that I should be able to find a new band and do it again, right?  In theory yes but just like after a break up, you have a hard time getting back in the water to look for the next “fish in the sea,” I’m having a hard time getting myself back out there with the same drive and passion I had before.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, please don’t worry about me.  This is a time of exploration and finding myself and what I truly want out of my life.  It scares me.  It intimidates me.  And at times, it really can get to me.  But that’s all a part of this journey we call life and despite those bad days, I’m maintaining optimistic that I will figure out my place and where I’m supposed to be.

But for now, can I please go visit Boston?

Photo taken out of the plane window from one of my trips back East