Taking Back My Twenties

Ever had that feeling where you just don't feel like you're yourself? I mean stop for a minute and think about it. 

I know I'm 23, I'm still young. I'm still supposed to be figuring out who I am and what I want out of my life. I have always been the girl who rushed to grow up. I didn't take my time through periods of self discovery. Quite honestly, I don't often handle those periods well. I don't handle new situations well. They are the perfect opportunities for self discovery and until I can find myself truly comfortable, I feel awkward and out of place. And that shows. People can see that and it scares them, like it scares me.  So when I find myself wanting to explain to someone how I feel, my concerns of sharing how I feel, I just cant do it. Instead I run in the opposite direction, for fear they will to. 

Don’t get me wrong, I can give you my opinion on things and stand behind my decisions but when it comes down to emotional well being, the thought of getting hurt and going through pain like I've gone through before is just too much to bear. 

So how do I feel as I'm running away scared? About as crappy as I feel knowing I can't share how I feel or knowing that I'm hiding aspects of myself from people that I care about. Isn't that the same as not allowing people to know me at all? If I'm too afraid to tell you WHO I am in some shape or form, then in all honesty, you don't truly KNOW me. Right?!

So how many people out there actually know me for who I am? Who actually KNOW me? Who I allow so close into WHO I am, I'm not afraid to show all of who I am and what I'm about? 

I can think of one. Maybe two or three. Maybe. 

Every time I think about letting someone else in or when i start to, they leave or back away slightly. Is there something so scary about me? Or can you feel my fear and that scares you because you know my wall won't come down for a very long time, if ever? Making you wonder if it’s a waste of time.

I'm 23. I'm young but I'm still old enough to learn to get over my fear of me and sharing who I am. That's a part of why I started this blog. I want to feel free to write and be myself without an audience, yet I can still share this and allow people to see into the window that is me. If you still like me for who I am as I share myself, my opinions, and who I am, then maybe I can have an easier time allowing you in. And if you don't, then hopefully you can respect me for putting myself out there and accept me for who I am, whether you like me and want to be a part of my life or not. 

I'm taking back my twenties. I'm taking back my life. It's a new day. The sun came up and it will go down so we can start fresh again tomorrow. 

Look at these lyrics from “Turning Tables” from Adele’s new album, 21.  They hit pretty close to home.

So I won’t let you close enough to hurt me,

No, I won’t ask you, you to just desert me,

I can’t give you what you think you gave me,

It’s time to say goodbye to turning tables.

Next time I’ll be braver,

I’ll be my own savior,

When the thunder calls for me,

Next time I’ll be braver,

I’ll be my own savior, 

Standing on my own two feet.

Disclaimer: for any of you who read this and have gone into some sort of panic or worry, you have no reason to. I'm fine. I'm in a period of self discovery called being in your twenties. Not everyday is good and not everyday is bad. It's learning to take each day as it presents itself and living it to the best of my abilities. 

Thank you to the gym for allowing me to type away with the clear mind created by exercise, while perched on the stat bike again.  :)