Geeking Out, Solutions, & Compromise

I think I have a solution...

Is it ideal?  No.  But will it work given my current circumstances?  Quite possibly. 

After the severe frustration I was feel last night, post apartment hunting, I knew I needed to figure something out.  And quick.  I either needed to figure out a way to make my current situation work for me OR I needed to figure out how to get additional income, a lot of it, and quick.  It didn’t take me long of weighing the pros and cons of each possible solution, to know that the first would be best for my quality of life.  And isn’t that what this is all about?  Particularly for me this year, I am devoted to improving my quality of life and making decisions that work for me. 

As sad as it makes me by accepting that I can’t afford to move into a new (and larger) apartment, I can’t make decisions that make me live outside of my means.  Especially when I’m trying to be financially independent.  I have money saved but it’s dumb for me to use that to live when I don’t need to.  I’ve worked very hard to save that money for a rainy day or for something for myself.  (Like maybe buying a bike this year!! Oh, how I really want one!)

Anyway, I have sent in my proposal for a reduced rent to building management and now it’s in their hands.  I took the same approach I take to booking shows and negotiating fees, and by that I mean I allowed room for negotiations.  I asked for $100 off my rent and while I don’t expect them to accept that, if they do I’ll be stoked.  If they come back with $50 off each month, I’ll still be happy as that’s more what I’m expecting they’ll be willing to do.  Compromise.  

I’ve also come up with a plan.  A plan that almost made me late to my 9PM shift at work last night because I got caught up in the plan and lost track of time.  I had an idea how I could make a change to my current space and “divide” it up to feel more like there are separate “rooms”.  It all comes down to a bookshelf at IKEA that is long and a couple feet high to divide the space.  This will also act as a TV stand (maybe to even house a new TV someday?!)  There will also be a room divider to help section off my bed even more - that is the sleep place!

Here are two of my floor plans.  Oh yes, I did.  I’m a geek, I know.  The only difference is the placement of my desk, but I think option 1 is better as it will allow me to add an additional bookshelf or file cabinet or cart or something to house my printer and scanner (as opposed to it’s current location on the floor under my desk).  If you have any thoughts, I would love to hear them!  Let’s geek out together!

Yes these are to scale.  Or at least pretty darn close to it.  1 square = 6 inches

This plan requires a little spending and a few trips to IKEA, but I’m okay with this.  My thought is that I can some of the money that I would put towards a security deposit and that I will hopefully be saving in rent, and purchase some additional items for my current space that will help me function better and make this feel more like my space and my home.  It’s a compromise I’m willing to make with myself.  

Here are a few things I’m putting on my shopping list:

-White IKEA bookshelf (the one this whole idea revolves around)

-Room divider (there’s one at IKEA I really like)

-New desk chair (mine sits too low for my desk and you can’t adjust the height-useless!)

-Possibly a new microwave stand or something to use as an espresso bar (?)

-Additional organization boxes, totes, etc as needed.

-A new / not cheap vacuum (?)

-A new TV?! :)

DAY 3 POSITIVE THINKING:  You can accomplish anything as long as you put your mind to it

It’s so true.  I was so frustrated yesterday and stressed the past few days over this apartment situation.  And as exhausted as it made me to constantly be thinking about how I could find the right solution that would work for me, I did it.  And when I suddenly got the idea for the bookshelf, I felt like a ton of bricks had been lifted off my shoulders.  I even felt excited at the thought of reorganizing my space and making this work for me.  I feel confident that I can make this happen.  Dare I say, I’m already feeling more inspired to work in this space!?  

F is for Frustrated & Fail

Yep, that's how my day went.  Well more like how my apartment hunting went.  I started my day feeling a little lazy and not wanting to dive into the world of apartment hunting because I knew there was a chance it would leave me feel frustrated but I was also feeling optimistic because I had a list of places to check out and the whole day to get it done.  I allowed myself to sleep in a little bit (I'm gearing up for a 9PM-6AM shift at work tonight), had some breakfast, watched a little Hulu, and then set out for the world of apartment hunting.


I picked a starting point on my list and made a stop on the way after seeing several "for rent signs" on nice looking buildings.  Left messages.  Continued on my way only to find the apartment on my list did not meet my requirements.  Continued on my way to the next.  The cycle continued and continued.  Left messages, places didn't meet my needs, too expensive.  Frustrated.


I hit a low and continued on to the gym.  (Yay for planning ahead and wearing my gym clothes all day!)  The frustration of the morning gave me a headache and while I had a great workout on the stat bike, the exercise didn't help my headache and my frustration is still lingering slightly.  On my way home, I stopped at the grocery store for a few items and decided to splurge on some flowers.  (Is it really splurging when the flowers were $4? I <3 Trader Joes!)   But I feel like I've been sent back to the drawing board.  The apartments that I were finding today were falling in the $1,100-$1,500 range and that's for STUDIO and 1 BD apartments! Uh...really?! There is absolutely NO reason why I should find a studio for $1,300!!  That better be one BIG and AMAZING studio...


So it brings me back to the idea of should I really be moving?  Should I take advantage of my current building management willing to REDUCE my rent?  It means signing on for another year, but it also means my rent getting cheaper instead of more expensive.  Or I keep the same rent and just pay month to month.  But then that brings me to my dislike for this apartment sometimes...or a lot of times.  I feel like I have hit a wall here.  And I keep hitting it over and over again.  I'm an extremely organized and hard working person but it's like I can't get the vibe of this place to work where I can be motivated to be productive.  I feel like I have the place set up in the most logical way but maybe it's the most logical if you want it to be extremely open, but do I need that? Not necessarily.  The band comes through and stays with me from time to time, but that's only a few times a year for a night or two.  If I can find a way to set up this apartment in a way that works for my productivity and overall happiness, then we can make it work when I have visitors.  I guess I'm back to the drawing board - literally.  I have pulled out the grid paper and will be trying to draw this apartment to scale....


DAY 2 POSITIVE THINKING:  Keep Your Chin Up


You work hard.  Someday it will pay off.  Everyone has to pay their dues, including you.  It's okay to be frustrated and fail, it's how you deal with it and still end up on top, that counts.
Allowing the frustration and anxiety to take over, is not the way to get things accomplished.
You can do this. 
You work hard.
Focus.
Keep your chin up.
Breathe.

I. AM. STRONG.

I am someone who has spent a good portion of my life working for self improvement, and not that this is necessarily bad but it can be at times.  I enjoy being in control of a situation and when life presents me with situations that I can’t control, I sometimes don’t know how to respond reasonably.  This is something I’m working to fix.  ...is that me trying to control a situation?  I’m starting to think I’m on a record and I keep hitting that hiccup that makes the album start skipping and then repeats the hiccup over and over again.  And it doesn’t stop until you get up and fix it.  But this rotation will happen again, it’s bound to, it’s not perfect.  

That’s the key.  It’s not perfect.  I’m not perfect.  You’re not perfect. We’re not perfect.  No one is perfect.  No one can be perfect.  Perfection is impossible.  

I think we forget that sometimes.  We get so caught up in our strive to achieve perfection, we forget that it’s impossible and what we’re actually working towards is the best we can be.  

While I was at the gym this afternoon, spending 60 minutes on the cross ramp elliptical trying to shed the stress from last night, my financial situation and figuring out how to handle my apartment situation, I was also reading one of the many health magazines on the market.  As far as I’m concerned, these magazines are pretty much the same but I enjoy reading them anyway and do subscribe to two of them. Anyway, while I don’t remember what the article was initially about, it introduced an idea that stood out in my mind.  It mentioned that we don’t take enough time to focus on the positives in our lives and within ourselves.  It challenged people to try writing a letter to themselves everyday for a few days and listing out the things they are thankful for that day, things they like about themselves, etc and after a few days of this behavior, you will be happier about yourself and the things in your life.  This stood out as an interesting activity in my mind and something that I needed to try.  So with that, my goal over the next week is to write about things I’m thankful for, things I like about myself, or generally positive thoughts about my life.  

DAY 1 POSITIVE THINKING: 

I am strong.  Emotionally.  Physically.  Mentally.

I have my flaws.  I am not perfect.  Each day is not perfect.  But I am strong.  I always find a way to make it through.

My current level of stress will be no different.  Things could always be worse.  I will take each day as it presents itself.  I will find a way to make things work for me.  I will do an extra set of crunches or bicep curls.  I will do an extra 15 minutes of meditative breathing and focusing.  I will find a new way to be organized that works for me and my life.  I will come out on top.  I will show my strength.  Just you watch and see.

Breaking and entering is not my forte

I sent my managers an email 5 minutes ago and included that exact statement.  I won’t lie.  I tried to break into my apartment building tonight.  You would have too if you were me.

Let me set the stage:

It’s after 1AM.  I’m just getting home from work and grabbing a drink and hanging out with some coworkers.  I know the lock on the front door currently doesn’t work so we have to use the side doors of the building (I don’t use these doors, especially at night because it freaks me out, especially being a female).  I put my key in the lock and it won’t budge.  I try it again.  I try another key.  I try it again.  I try each key over and over and over.  I start crying.  Freaked out.  I start texting the people I was out with.  I start texting and calling friends who live in the neighborhood to see if they’re still up.  One of my coworkers texts me back immediately, that he’s on his way and to send my address ASAP.

By the time he gets to me, I’ve returned to the parking garage, standing in a pool of my tears.  Standing outside at night / really early in the morning is not safe, especially as a female.  It’s my worst nightmare screaming out at me.  

The number I have for the on-site management rings a few times and then goes to the FAX MACHINE!  This is the number I have always used to call them (though I haven’t called them in a while) and now it’s failing me.

My friend and I are standing outside trying to jimmy the lock open.  It’s not working.  We’re breaking tiny screwdrivers he had in his car.  We’re breaking a key for an extra lock that I have.  It’s just not working.  He goes back to his car to look for a normal sized screwdriver and I went back to the side door to make another attempt with my key when    the door suddenly opened with my key.  

...really?! 

Management just got an email from me explaining what I went through.  Including that we HAD to resort to trying to jimmy the lock.  And we failed.  And clearly, breaking and entering is not my forte. 

I’m over exhausted and now must sleep this off.  I’m so glad I get a day off tomorrow. 

To Move Or Not To Move

...now that is the question!

No, really, it is.  I was sure I was going to move at the end of my lease but that was due to a poor relationship with the building management.  Or so I thought.  It wasn’t until I emailed them last week to confirm the end date on my lease and find out above move out procedure should that be my decision since my copy seemed to be missing 6 pages, those included.  They confirmed the date and left the papers outside my door.  A few hours later I get an email about their supervisor is willing to discuss a reduced rent if I was considering leaving due to the rent.

...SERIOUSLY?!  I was positive they hated me and wanted me gone.  But I guess aside from making them do their job (in a timely and efficient manner no less), they have realized I’m a relatively quiet and easy tenant to have. 

So while I struggle to pay rent comfortably (does this every change?!) a reduced rent would be amazing.  BUT I have my reservations about this building.  Aside from the laundry list of problems that have arisen since I moved in, I have a few “requirements” that the place I live needs to have, and this building doesn’t meet them all, not any more.  And due to my recent reoccurring nightmares, this is a pretty important one to me now.

While the size of this studio is actually pretty good, at times it doesn’t feel big enough and the layout makes things difficult at times.  Coming from living in larger apartments in Jersey (and a nice layout at my studio in Boston), I’m finding the lack of separate space difficult for productivity.  My sleep space is also my work space, my chill space and my eating space.  That doesn’t work.  There is a reason why those areas are always separated, your brain needs the physical distinction to help create the mental one.  Which brings me to the fact that I could use to leave and find a larger apartment or a studio with a layout more easily separated to create the mental and physical distinctions.  Here’s the problem:  those cost more money.  This apartment is actually a pretty good price for the size but it’s still out of my budget and not really working for me.

What to do? What to do?

...relax...breathe...think...

Did I mention my keys didn’t work when coming back from the gym this morning?  I wasn’t almost locked out of my own apartment building with my KEYS IN HAND!!

...relax...breathe....think...

Productivity

It's amazing just how productive you can be when you suddenly realize (and feel bad for) just how unproductive you have been, especially when you had a decent amount of time to get things done.  Did this happen to me tonight, you ask?


...maybe.  :)


Good night.

Taking Back My Twenties

Ever had that feeling where you just don't feel like you're yourself? I mean stop for a minute and think about it. 

I know I'm 23, I'm still young. I'm still supposed to be figuring out who I am and what I want out of my life. I have always been the girl who rushed to grow up. I didn't take my time through periods of self discovery. Quite honestly, I don't often handle those periods well. I don't handle new situations well. They are the perfect opportunities for self discovery and until I can find myself truly comfortable, I feel awkward and out of place. And that shows. People can see that and it scares them, like it scares me.  So when I find myself wanting to explain to someone how I feel, my concerns of sharing how I feel, I just cant do it. Instead I run in the opposite direction, for fear they will to. 

Don’t get me wrong, I can give you my opinion on things and stand behind my decisions but when it comes down to emotional well being, the thought of getting hurt and going through pain like I've gone through before is just too much to bear. 

So how do I feel as I'm running away scared? About as crappy as I feel knowing I can't share how I feel or knowing that I'm hiding aspects of myself from people that I care about. Isn't that the same as not allowing people to know me at all? If I'm too afraid to tell you WHO I am in some shape or form, then in all honesty, you don't truly KNOW me. Right?!

So how many people out there actually know me for who I am? Who actually KNOW me? Who I allow so close into WHO I am, I'm not afraid to show all of who I am and what I'm about? 

I can think of one. Maybe two or three. Maybe. 

Every time I think about letting someone else in or when i start to, they leave or back away slightly. Is there something so scary about me? Or can you feel my fear and that scares you because you know my wall won't come down for a very long time, if ever? Making you wonder if it’s a waste of time.

I'm 23. I'm young but I'm still old enough to learn to get over my fear of me and sharing who I am. That's a part of why I started this blog. I want to feel free to write and be myself without an audience, yet I can still share this and allow people to see into the window that is me. If you still like me for who I am as I share myself, my opinions, and who I am, then maybe I can have an easier time allowing you in. And if you don't, then hopefully you can respect me for putting myself out there and accept me for who I am, whether you like me and want to be a part of my life or not. 

I'm taking back my twenties. I'm taking back my life. It's a new day. The sun came up and it will go down so we can start fresh again tomorrow. 

Look at these lyrics from “Turning Tables” from Adele’s new album, 21.  They hit pretty close to home.

So I won’t let you close enough to hurt me,

No, I won’t ask you, you to just desert me,

I can’t give you what you think you gave me,

It’s time to say goodbye to turning tables.

Next time I’ll be braver,

I’ll be my own savior,

When the thunder calls for me,

Next time I’ll be braver,

I’ll be my own savior, 

Standing on my own two feet.

Disclaimer: for any of you who read this and have gone into some sort of panic or worry, you have no reason to. I'm fine. I'm in a period of self discovery called being in your twenties. Not everyday is good and not everyday is bad. It's learning to take each day as it presents itself and living it to the best of my abilities. 

Thank you to the gym for allowing me to type away with the clear mind created by exercise, while perched on the stat bike again.  :)